Permission not to worry

Two years ago during a lengthy summer drought, I ran my mother’s 230-foot-deep well dry by doing two loads of laundry in a day. We had water again within a few hours, but ever since then, I have conserved and worried to the point of obsession about the well.

This morning I looked at the laundry that needed to be done—a small load of clothes and a big blanket—and my mind was off and running. That means two loads of laundry today. Is that too much pressure on the well? We’ve had a lot of rain lately. Maybe it’s okay.

Then suddenly I just stopped and told myself, Don’t do any laundry today. In a tiny moment of grace, I gave myself permission not to worry about it.

By now you might be thinking, big deal. Why are you writing a blog post about not doing laundry? If that's all you have to worry about, you're lucky.

Well, when you’re wired like I am, it is a big deal. I became aware of my default behavior, stepped away from it, and felt relief.

It’s easy and familiar to do what you always do, even if you hate it. I'm an expert at letting little things get to me until they feel huge and untenable. So to walk away from my worry pattern was freeing.

I gave myself permission not to worry today because spring migration is at its peak, and the orioles are here.

I have big, juicy navel orange halves hanging in the apple trees and at our feeder stations to attract them. Watching Baltimore orioles tumbling in the blossoms of the apple trees, sipping at the oranges and hearing their rich, whistling songs is pure joy for me.

Every moment that I spend worrying is a potential moment of joy that I forfeit. It hit me today that I have surrendered a whole lot of joy in my life to worry. Worry that got me nothing and that didn’t change the outcome of anything.

I had an idea today that I’m going to try the next time I find myself in a worry rut. I’ll make a short list of the things I give myself permission not to worry about that day. And then I’ll put the list in a drawer or, better yet, throw it out.

I’ve got nothing to lose by doing this. I have well water worry honed to an art form, and still someday the well may go dry again. The well that must never, ever go dry is my own personal well of energy, health and sanity.