Have you ever felt far away from God? I’ve been feeling that way since about March, right around the time that the COVID 19 quarantine began.
Suddenly there was no Wednesday night Lenten study series, no Sunday worship, no gathering of the community, no centering prayer. The two Episcopal churches of which I’m a member offered online daily prayer and Sunday worship. They did a great job with it. I tuned in faithfully at first, then I drifted away, caught up in the emotional intensity of my new role as a full-time caregiver to my elderly mother. I was struck by how easily I drifted away. Maybe I wasn’t so faithful after all.
Around this same time, I had stopped meditating daily as well. I don’t know why. I’d been meditating for about a year, and it had become one of the most beneficial things in my life. It helped me with my anxiety disorder and brought me into closer relationship with God. My life started blooming in many ways through meditation. Then I just stopped. I was too tired, too busy, too preoccupied. I tried putting “Meditate” on my daily to-do app, and it didn’t help. I took it off the list.
And I stopped praying regularly, largely because I had stopped meditating. My laundry list of requests for help from God just didn’t feel right. In a world that became more chaotic by the day, I suddenly doubted those requests were even being heard by God.
There. I said it. I doubted.
Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. I’m not a quoter of scripture, much less an expert on the Bible. This quote comes to mind because I do believe in God without seeing God. The challenge is that I’m just not feeling close to God right now.
I still feel God’s presence when I’m birding, though. That’s the one place I always feel God within me and around me. Since we moved to south central Pennsylvania, I have spent some kind of time with the birds nearly every day. I rarely miss a day. It’s not an obsession. It’s simply the purest form of peace I have ever found in my time here on earth, and I am drawn to that peace.
I just haven’t been able to carry that peace out into life with me lately. I’ve felt flat. Increasingly anxious. Detached from God. Swept up into the “busyness” of this life transition and new role. Removed from the stillness.
This was something that I didn’t want to admit to myself. It’s kind of scary to say out loud, “Wow, I don’t feel connected to God anymore.”
But admitting it was what needed to happen in order for me to begin to re-connect. I’ve learned that the first step to making any kind of change is to admit what’s bothering me, to voice the tension. What is wrong? What feels off? What hurts?
So last week, I sat out on the porch I fixed up here at my mom’s house—the porch where I used to watch lunar eclipses with Dad—and I opened up Insight Timer, the meditation app I use. I lit two candles and then pressed start for a 20-minute meditation.
Breathing in, I breathe in love.
Breathing out, I breathe out peace.
Over and over and over again. When my mind drifted, I gently nudged myself back to my breath and these words.
I wasn’t expecting to feel anything spiritually seismic, and I didn’t. I knew these 20 minutes wouldn’t make everything right again. I just knew that when I am still, I become available to the presence of God. So I slowed down and invited stillness back into my life.
The heavens didn’t open up to me. I didn’t hear God’s voice. But I did feel peace. So I meditated again the next night and the night after that. I just let myself be. Because in that peace there will be God.
I decided to change my practice at the end of each meditation. Instead of putting my laundry list of requests and fears out to God, I simply lift up the things I am grateful for. The first things that come to mind, and there are many.
I’m learning that when I don’t feel connected to God, I need to say so. I need to stop and hold that feeling up to the light a bit. Then I need to start over and go back to what works for me: being still.
It’s a work in progress, this relationship with God. It’s not a destination. I don’t just arrive there and everything is okay. I will wander off the path and get lost. I will screw up. Things that once made sense won’t make sense anymore. But this much I know: I can always come back. I believe that.
How do you re-connect to God when you feel lost, overwhelmed, doubtful? If you’re willing to share, I’d love to hear about what you do. Talk to me in the comments on Facebook or Instagram.
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